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i want. to live. here :)

on December 22, 2010

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ide prakarya

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Earlier in May 2025: fluoxetin, alprazolam, risperidone, clazapim, 5-HTP

Your 30s are an emotional mirror. You start to see who pours back into you. Who makes room for your messiness. Who shows up when you’re not performing, producing, or patching things up. Here’s the hard part: Some of the people you loved the most, Will not reach back. Not because they’re bad. But because (perhaps) they were used to you doing all the emotional labor. Or they just don't feel the same. So many of us are grieving friendships we were never allowed to be fully human in. Friendships where your vulnerability felt too much. Or your silence was too unfamiliar. Or your needs made them uncomfortable. Your 30s will teach you to stop overexplaining your value. To stop giving and calling and checking on people who can’t do the same. Reciprocity is not too much to ask. It’s the bare minimum. You don’t need to audition for love. You don’t need to shrink to be included. The people meant for you will feel like a soft landing. Not a spiritual performance review. And no, t...

#8 Dunia Penuh Cinta

And I guess we’re getting to that point where life persists and friendships cease – said no one but me. Ini saya mengutip tulisan teman sekelas saya, saudara Apriliyanti Sirait pada tanggal 13 Januari 2016 di grup line : Till We Meet Again For the first time in many years I come to realize what ever happened to “time is so cruel”? I know there are many twists and turns in relationships as our lives change. Beginning a new phase of my life could mean facing another long goodbye, one outside my own comfort zone which is somewhat emotionally tiring. Over the course of my life, I’ve had two or three best friends, relationships that ended for one reason or another. Being a direct, straightforward person has a lot of perks. As the payoff, not many people can handle it, not even members of my family – when I speak my mind that is often misinterpreted as bitchiness and often have zero patience for almost everything. The truth is, good friends are hard to come ...

Tentang Batasan

Saya akan mencoba menuliskannya. Harapannya tidak terlalu berapi-api karena sudah lewat tiga hari. Menjadi percaya pada orang, menampilkan diri yang seutuhnya bukanlah hal yang mudah. Di bumi ini, ada juga yang diam-diam tidak nyaman dengan kita yang seutuhnya, dengan cerita cerita dan rahasia-rahasia kita, dengan apa yang kita pikirkan dan takutkan. Betul betul tidak mudah. Sampai kadang berpikir, lebih baik mengeluarkan wajah2 tertentu saja agar lebih diterima. Saya mendapat tawa dari seorang teman yang bilang saya tidak punya boundaries. Tidak punya batasan--setelah setengah mati saya mengekspos diri saya di depan dia, dan bukan di depan orang orang lainnya--orang orang yang saya anggap dekat tapi saya tidak berani mengatakan semuanya. Saat itu saya cuma bisa diam dan separuh otak saya kayaknya mati. Apalah artinya mengumpulkan seluruh daya dan kepercayaan kalau jadi bahan becandaan :D ? "Kamu tidak sepenting itu" "Jijik, ya" "Iyuwh" "Kamu aneh...

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